Letting Go

Full disclosure here.  I think I'm burned out a bit.  As I sit and look at my blog, I am sad about the utter lack of content other than Friday's Fave Five posts.  At least last year I also had book reviews.  And way back when I used to write a lot.  But this year, I feel like I've so far hit a wall.  I don't know what it is.  Delayed grief and exhaustion from the last 3 years probably has something to do with it.  Tired of working a 50 hour work week is a lot of it.  I've been chatting with my consultant from the agency trying to figure out a way to go part time in this job of childcare but the options are very, very limited.  I can go down in the number of kids which is nice but I would still be working the same hours and for less money.  I could try and change my program from a 5 day a week to maybe a 4 day or 3 day a week. But that has it's own issues especially with the childcare saturation climate that is in my city right now.  In a knee jerk response to not enough child care spaces, government has licensed way too many new daycares to open and now the ratio is out of balance the other way where now we are competing to fill our empty spaces and cutting back on open days might put me at a disadvantage.  The constant trying to think it through has, frankly, been exhausting.  That is how my mind works. It just keeps replaying everything trying to find options I haven't thought of.  

If I pause, though, my spirit whispers another story.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

Lean not on your own understanding,

In all your ways acknowledge Him

and He shall direct your paths"

Provers 3: 5-6

So much wrapped up in those 4 short sentences.  It asks me to trust in the One who has been faithful in the past and will be in the moment.  To let go of relying on myself.  That is a hard one for me coming from a background of "God helps those who help themselves".  But instead of striving to help myself, God is calling me to simply acknowledge Him in this crossroads, ask Him because He knows so much more, because He has a plan.  And if I do that, the beauty is He will be directing me and placing things together that I might not even understand right now.  It's His timing, not mine.  And when it comes right down to it, no matter how I slice and dice it, it's going to be a step of faith.  Because that is what He wants to grow in me.  If faith is never tested, how do I really even know if I actually trust God?  It's easy to verbally say I have faith in the good times, but if it's never put on the line,  do I really?  Jesus never said life would be easy, but He promised He would always be there and never leave me or forsake me.  Do I really believe that?  I'm working on it.  And I've come to the conclusion that in this lifetime, I will never have arrived.  It is a step by step, day by day growing of my faith and trust in the One who holds me in the palm of His very capable hand.